It's a start of a new week, and a fresh new start to the Ayahuasca journey (kinda). But before that, last week ended with us drinking San Pedro, a type of cactus with mescaline as the active ingredient.
I swear, after this retreat is over, I'll be done with putting weird stuff into my stomach for good. San Pedro drink didn't taste awful but it didn't taste all that great either, and slowly I started to feel a bit nauseous.
I'd say the effect of San Pedro is similar to that of mushrooms, with perhaps a bit more visuals and an elating mood effect. Colors in nature looked more vibrant. We went for a walk to enjoy the weather, the mountains and the river, where our guide talked about feeling one with nature, revering Pachamama (Goddess of the Mountains), and again the cycle of life and the beauty of it all. It was a beautiful, peaceful experience marred only by the increasing nausea I felt.
Afterwards, in the evening, we had a drum circle where we chanted Navajo songs. It was invigorating and fun.
This place increasingly reminds me of the movie Midsommar. I know it is a horror movie, but the beautiful feeling of support and belonging that the community in Midsommar produced (before doing all the horrors) is somewhat similar to what this retreat is trying to achieve. We are all here with worldly issues and crises, and by going through these beautiful and tough experiences together it creates a sense of belonging and understanding. Being in a big room taking Ayahuasca with everyone, vomiting and hallucinating while in the presence of everyone else reminds me of the scene where the entourage of girls in the community cries and screams with the main female character in the movie.
Anyway. Last night's Ayahuasca journey was not easy. I saw memories and visions, but I felt too disoriented to understand what was happening. My intention for the night was to show me how to live a life without regret, and to be happy and content. Well, not sure if Ayahuasca showed me, because I don't remember much from the experience.
I had reoccurring "memory" of being under the effect of something, sweating profusely and surrounded by people encouraging me to trust the effects. I "remember" feeling an emotional release and a complete freedom as I am coming out of the daze with the help of caretakers around me. I say "memory" because I cannot actually remember this event at all in real life despite the vividness of it and the feeling I still have.
This is the only thing I can remember from the trip last night. The effect lasted all into the night, even after I got to bed. I felt so weak and tired that I couldn't journal. Words on the phone were still dancing when I shut my eyes to sleep.
I need to trust the process, which seems to be a difficult thing for me to do- as I'm not spiritual and very skeptical about this "Mother Ayahuasca". At least I feel like I'm gaining more confidence in myself and my decisions. I hope by the last day, or when I integrate back into the real world, I'll feel its effects positively and meaningfully affecting my life.