Attached - by Amir Levine

I read this book while I was suffering from the breakup with J. It helped me immensely in understanding our relationship and also my tendencies in romantic relationships.

I've been aware of the terms Anxious/Avoidant/Secure and how they describe attachment styles in relationships, but this book really gave me an eye-opening view of them. I've so far thought that if you were Anxious/Avoidant, you should try to change yourself to become more Secure by changing your needs and wants. I also did not know how much of an Anxious role I take in relationships.

The Attachment theory goes like this: there're three main attachment styles that people have in relationships, and they are Anxious/Avoidant/Secure. (I think there're a couple other categorizations and distinctions, but my knowledge is really limited - I just finished this book.) I don't think everyone falls distinctly into one category or another either, but those are the three basic categories.

If you're Anxious, you're more sensitive to the other person's feelings, and plagued by the fear of separation and rejection. You crave more intimacy with your partner and try to reaffirm your tie with him/her.

If you're Avoidant, you're more on the defensive side. You aren't comfortable with having people get close to you, and tend to push them away when they do get close. I understand this as a defense mechanism - to not be hurt if the relationship doesn't work out.

If you're Secure, you don't have any of these issues; you have an underlying feeling of security in your relationships and that also gives your partner a sense of security.

The biggest takeaway from this book was that these personality traits are not necessarily good or bad. It is definitely more challenging for insecure attachment types to have a happy lasting relationships, but it doesn't mean you should force yourself to change your needs and wants. The most important thing to finding happiness is to meet someone who can fulfill your needs, but also to realize the destructive habits that come with your attachment style and curb them when they happen by communicating effectively with your partner.

J was a classic Avoidant. He was closed off in his emotions and would require a lot of "space" - days or week+ where he didn't want any communication, and I felt pressured to not even question his whereabouts/doings. The first time he did this was the most harmful - he didn't explain himself, and when I asked if it had to do with us he gave no answer, exascerbating my worries and fears. However little Secure attachment style I may've had then I think got thrown out the window.

Since then, there have been a few more similar episodes, and I tried to explain that while I don't want to know where he is at all times and that he can have space, I need to feel secure in the relationship and know that these episodes were not due to me. He didn't understand my needs and never gave an explanation for what had happened. He invalidated my need for connection, and made me feel helpless in the situation. Granted, my communication probably could've been better, but I tried my best to understand him during the earlier steps in the relationship and to have rational conversations. Over time though, the connection I felt deteriorated which negatively impacted my emotions and rationality; we were caught in that anxious-avoidant trap.

After the breakup, I struggled the hardest about how I had failed to make this man, who has had so many tragedies in life and who I believe deserves true happiness, happy. I struggled to get more intimate with him during the relationship, believing that will make him (and me) a happier couple. But reading this book, I realize that intimacy comes to him differently. He did not need "fixing"; he just needed someone who understood his needs for independence and space and still provided the security of being there when he needs it. I regret trying so hard to change him, to get close, and lashing out when my needs weren't met; I am sad that I may have caused him as much grief as I felt during the relationship.

But I am also thankful that all the problems that arose eventually caused the relationship to end. I am not a perfect person with only the happiest memories either, and I can't take on the burden of someone else's happiness. A relationship is supposed to give me satisfaction and happiness also. I will always try to be a better communicator and a better partner, and will strive to make my partner happy; but I need him to also consider my happiness as his priority.