Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

My first thought while reading this book: Wow there are some really shitty mothers out there. Thank god mine wasn't one.

But after reading the whole book, I must admit that my mother did possess a couple of the habits that the book attributes to narcissistic mothers. The one big one that hurt me most was that she treated me like her friend when I was younger, spilling her annoyance and frustration about marriage and finances on me when I was just a kid.

I've thought about this a lot since realizing that this may be why I am always so uncertain about myself, trying hard to please everyone around me without thinking about what I want. All of her words about how marrying my father was a mistake, to never marry and give up on my own goals - while the same words may have made me independent from men, they also made me fear her leaving the family. I tried hard to make her happy so she would never leave.

I know now as a grown-up that she never really meant those words. Leaving us was never an option for her. But I did not know it back then. I understand how difficult it must've been to rear a child as a housewife back in Korea in the early 1900s, with a father who was always at work late (this was common back then and perhaps even now in Korea). Then we moved to China, where she didn't know a soul. Who could she have complained to? I have so much respect and compassion for my mom, but I also know now that she shouldn't have revealed her adult problems to me.

Another issue, which doesn't only involve my mother, is that my parents never were very emotionally open. I think this is typical in any Korean (or any East Asian) family, and this is very generational (my grandparents are also not openly emotional), but this has lasting effects on how we love. I wish my parents were more openly loving and more openly communicative about their feelings. I want to learn how to really empathize with those around me and show them that I am here for them.

Yet another- body issues. My mother is plagued by this herself. She isn't so much as judgmental about my looks as she is about her own looks. I thought this comes from growing up in Korea also - a society where looks mean so so much that resumes must also have photos attached to them. But I realized recently that my mom feels this extra. I'm not entirely sure why, but maybe it has to do with her being the second daughter in a 6 daughters + 1 son family?

These are the issues I need to work on recovering for myself now. I have started to grieve about all the fear I've had worrying that mom would leave. Deep communication will be my biggest priority when choosing the next relationship. I try to act confident about my looks every day (I'm lucky that I actually love to exercise!).

really wish I don't pass down these traits to my kids. But it gives me so much hope that parenting just gets better and better as time goes on, as we are becoming more and more aware of the impacts of early childhood. I will definitely not be a perfect parent, but I know for sure that I will strive real damn hard to be a great parent for my kid(s).