As part of the preparations for my 2-week Ayahuasca retreat, I was told to write a journal setting intentions and bringing up possible things that may be blocking me from reaching my desires and goals. So I thought about what I am really looking for, and what I want to know after the retreat.
For the longest time, I have admired people with passion, especially those who seem to just "know" from a young age what they want to do and begin an obsession that they would not easily give up. I admire them because I am not like that; I struggle to figure out what I truly want and desire, and I think part of that is because of how I was raised.
I don't have a great memory (I tend to forget things very quickly), but if there was one thing that I remember from my childhood is that I was with my mom a lot. I remember walking with her holding hands, and mostly listening to her talk about her marriage to my dad. She was ambitious and wanted to continue working and living her individual life, but that had all changed after she got married, then had me. The start of motherhood can be very lonely, especially in those days when life wasn't very easy in Korea, and the value of community overlooked. So I understand why she chose me to vent her everyday dissatisfactions. She probably told me a lot of other things that were fun and interesting too, but what stuck with me is what she said about marriage and my dad.
She told me to never get married. Or at least until you're really ready. She complained about my dad, who was rarely home (as a lot of working dads were at that time in Korea), and I got a sense that she regretted her marriage. And where would that leave me, as the product of their marriage?
I think I feared that if I did anything to further stress out my mom, she may leave us. Looking back, of course that wasn't even a question, but in my little mind I think I connected my well being to her well being.
I have a distinct memory of one Christmas, when my mom asked what I wanted for Christmas. There was a toy I wanted that was way too expensive for us to afford, so instead of saying that was what I really wanted, I looked at my mom and gauged her expression as I went down the toy isle, trying to figure out what answer would make her happy.
I love my mom. I understand completely how she must've felt raising a child when she was 3 years younger than I am now. But I want to be rid of this mental block that is blocking me from figuring out what I really want. I want to be less appeasing to others and bolder about what I want. What do I truly believe is valuable in life? Can I find work that creates real value in my eyes?
So that's my intent. Ayahuasca, here I come!! I start the 2-week process on Sunday, and I'm not sure what to expect, but am looking forward to some life changing moments.