Another day, another session.
But before that, there was another ceremony today that involved a Mexican Sonoran toad venom.
This was offered as an add-on to our retreat. It was a more intimate setting, where only 3-4 persons of the same gender were in it at the same time. So I had to wait for the first couple of groups to go before my turn came with the girls.
I was excited to take this. Two of the guys in the previous group had came out of the ceremony hall with tears streaming down their eyes, saying it was a wonderful experience and that they had gained a lot out of it. Sapo's active ingredient is 5-MeO-DMT, and the intense experience generally lasts about a half hour to an hour.
We all sat in comfy mattresses, and one by one were given nice smelling stones to hold onto (to cleanse maybe? part of the ritual), then a vial to smoke out of. It burned my throat, but I took it all in.
Instantly my vision turned completely psychedelic, and I laid down.
I must've blacked out because when I came to, I was laying on my side in a semi-fetal position, staring into patterns in the cushions and listening to music. It was the most intense psychedelic experience of my lifetime. Everything was so colorful and was moving to music which seemed to be repeating cadenzas- this is when I had the thought that, you know, repetition can be beautiful. The world is a cycle of life and deaths, our life is filled with cycles of happiness and suffering, tedium and fun, and that completely felt alright. Unlike the last time I took too much LSD and had found detachment, meaninglessness, and hopelessness in the world, this time everything seemed more beautiful and OK. My heart felt hot, and I felt pretty elated.
I didn't cry. Instead, when I finally was able to wiggle my fingers and my toes, I screamed in laughter, and the facilitators laughed with me. They gave me a fruit to eat in a bowl but I mistook it for ice cream, which made me and everyone else in the room laugh even harder.
It was a short but intense experience. With no purging involved. Why don't they have retreats where you just do this instead of Ayahuasca?! (haha)
Alas, there was a final Ayahuasca ceremony for the week tonight. I wasn't looking forward to it, as just the thought of having to drink that nasty medicine seemed to make me feel sick. But it was the last one of the week, and I did sign up for this retreat voluntarily...
I drank 1 cup. I puked around half an hour later. That half hour of trying to keep it down was probably the worst part of the night.
The medicine didn't have any effect (aside from putting me to sleep after the purge) until I took the second dose. Then of course, everything started to kick in.
I threw up again, and started seeing patterns everywhere as before. I was in a jungle, with tall grasses and water everywhere. The scene collapsed into more patterns, constantly moving, constantly getting created and destroyed.
This reminded me of the cycle of life. Earlier on, during a hike into the salt mines, our guide Rafael had talked about how everything has a purpose, even in its death. The mountains provide space for grass to grow and salt to collect. These provide life. When life dies, it becomes soil and provides fertile ground for more life. When the mountains crumble, the disintegrated rocks also provide a bedding for new life to start.
All the things you learn from psychedelic trips seem so cliche, but this thought touched me. It gave me a deeper appreciation for the world, and the beautiful Peruvian culture that emphasize this never-ending cycle. Maybe the Earth will die some day, but it will probably have another use upon its death. I don't believe in an impending human extinction (or even far in the future- I'm an optimist, and I believe in humanity's intelligence, ingenuity, and perseverance), but even if that is the case, there would be a use for us in our death.
Another thing I thought of while sitting and meditating - all these grand thoughts are good and all, but what about my own fulfillment and happiness?
Well, I'm certain I'll find it. I didn't have the confidence or courage before to really evaluate which jobs would bring me a sense of being valuable in the world, and I used "waiting for green card" as an excuse to remain in the status quo. I also realize that I need to work on myself to really believe that there is meaning, because at the end of the day, everything is uncertain. But my belief in my work shouldn't be.
So, maybe all that throwing up and feeling sick did actually have a positive impact. Or maybe I just think a lot, and was already reaching these conclusions myself in the long plane ride from SF to Peru. Who knows. But, well, one more week (and 3 more sessions... aaahhhhh @_@) to go!