Another day, another ceremony. Today, we had a breathwork session before the Ayahuasca ceremony, which put me in a very calm and relaxed state.
The ceremony proceeded as before. First, the shamans went around blessing everyone with tobacco smoke, the father of all medicine (or grandfather, or great-grandfather. Basically the patriarch). Then, the maestro (male shaman) sang to the medicine. Then one by one we went up to drink our portion.
I was given 3/4 of a cup this time. This time, I didn't feel as nauseous as I did yesterday after the half cup. And overall, I felt completely fine (even fell asleep for a bit, oops) until way later, when all of a sudden I felt ringing in my head.
My head was pounding, and I felt vibrations all in my head and slightly delirious. It was intense, but it was also quick. Before I knew it, I felt fine again, and the facilitators were calling for people to get their second cups.
I decided to do it. I was here for a reason after all, if I were to really meet Mother Ayahuasca, I couldn't hesitate. I think I was given another 3/4 cup.
That extra dose really gave the push. I started feeling weird, weak and nauseous, and before I knew it, I was throwing up into my bucket.
Earlier on in the ceremony, I had noticed that the buckets weren't getting emptied by the facilitators. So I thought, if I were to be sick, I'd go to the bathroom and do it, since I didn't want to sit next to a bucket full of my vomit all night.
How silly I was to think I had that much control. Well, after I managed to stop puking, I still felt sick. I couldn't handle the smell and taste of the Ayahuasca in the bucket and that was lingering in my mouth. I've always had trouble asking for help from others, but this time I realized I didn't have a choice. I called for a facilitator and asked for the bucket to be emptied.
The facilitator's response to my request was very warm. "Of course", she said, making my previous thoughts completely silly. It was also very helpful when, probably within 5 minutes or so, I had to ask for help to go to the bathroom.
My vision was blurry. I had patterns moving in my head constantly, unable to stop. Patterns were collapsing into themselves and creating new ones, filling my vision completely when my eyes were closed. When they were open, the world was blurry, and all movements seemed to leave a trace behind them.
I purged hard in the bathroom. To describe the feeling crudely, I'd compare it to when you have a pretty bad stomachache or food poisoning, but decide to wait to go to the bathroom. You start getting cold sweats, and things start spinning a bit. Well, this was like that, except way more patterns, and unlike a stomachache, this dizzying doesn't go away after you've pooped and puked (at the same time.. sorry for the visuals)
When I was helped back to my spot, the facilitator asked if I was alright, to which I said I still felt sick. I lay down and felt my body weak, as if weighed down by hundreds of pounds. The facilitator came next to me and sprinkled Agua de Florida (a citrus-y perfume) on my forehead, and put some on both of my wrists. Her touch was gentle and caring, and it filled me with a sense of relief and gratitude that stayed with me for the rest of the ceremony.
I once again felt my consciousness lift from my body, and continued to see patterns swirl with music. My body felt like a shell, only adding human suffering to my experience, and it felt a lot better to be floating outside of it, thinking about my intentions and enjoying the shamans' ikroos. I kept thinking back to my intention - I had narrowed it down to wanting freedom from external pressures (be it from friends, family.. I want their care of me to not feel like chains binding me). I'm not sure if I got any answer for that, but during the process I did think about my close friends, those who have gone through suffering, and felt their pains along with mine.
I also realized how much I desired to have a "normal" life, one with a family of my own, where I can be happy and content. It pained me to realize how little I had prioritized that in my past.
At least half of the time, I was regretting my decision to sign up for a 2 week retreat (mostly during the retching).
But now that I've survived through that ceremony (and boy, did purging earlier make everything feel easier later), I feel that it was the right choice. I'm excited for what I'll learn more from this medicine and this place in the next week and half. I'm excited to see my thoughts transform and reveal with more clarity what my future should look like.